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Surviving to thriving

Describing what it’s like to live with PTSD and depression can sometimes be hard. If you haven’t experienced it, imagine a weight constantly pulling you down. Some days you have the strength to fight it, get on with life. Other days It debilitating and you just don’t have the energy to. Being depressed is obviously not something anyone chooses and can’t alway be easily solved. In reality someone can be completely consumed by mental illness but it can’t always be seen. There is no ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to treatment either. Everyone is so different. I have been receiving treatment since I was 14 (I’m now 20) that has included countless medications, therapy’s and hospital admissions . Over the years i’ve Learnt a great deal about myself and come across some amazing people. I’ve learnt how to talk, how to trust, how to smile and what it’s like to live again after years of just surviving. September last year I suffered quite a big relapse. I’d shut down, pushed everyone away and
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Turtles and butterfly’s

This is my first blog post for a while, so here’s a little update. It’s written by me and Chloe after an amazing weekend last week full of challenges but we sailed through. Together we share a lot of difficulties, when we speak about our past and current struggles it’s like looking in a mirror. Together we make each other so much stronger. Being best friends we find doing challenges we both fear much more beneficial and rewarding when we succeed together. We turn negative associations and memories into positive achievements. We often sit back and reminisce on how we used to present and act to others. “Crazy” some people might describe. We can now giggle about the little moments of crisis which we think is a good way to deal and recognise the recent past. You could say we have a very dark sense of humour at times but you kind of have too in these situations! We shock ourselves on how far we truly have come. We aren’t free of all our struggles and fears but oh my we are miles ahead of t
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So I haven’t written for a while but I thought I’d just write a little bit today. I’m currently writing this from Sri Lanka, something that 5 months ago was just a dream that I never thought would actually happen. I was weak, tired and unable to even really move from my bed. A holiday seemed pretty impossible. Just another thing my eating disorder had taken away from me. But one day I woke and something changed. As clique as it sounds something just clicked and I decided to make a change. It had got to the point where I either had to start eating or that control would have been taken away again. So I sat with my bowl of soup and ate it. I haven’t stopped since. However things really aren’t as simple as that for so many people and they certainly haven’t been for me before but the thought of this holiday kept me going. I’ve always wanted to come here and see my favourite animal..TURTLES!! I’m so glad I managed to turn things around and be here today. Life isn’t perfect but I have to say
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What is recovery? (Part 2)

However that didn't quite go to plan, before I know it I'd fallen back into bad habits and my weight was just going down and down and down. It became an addiction again. I spend my entire life worrying about food or worrying about the food I'd eaten. It was relentless and exhausting but I couldn't stop. The appeal of loosing weight ufor me isnt about the way I look, it's about how it effects the way I feel. Being starved numbs everything, it's hard to think clearly and that felt good to me. It quickly spiralled out of control and before I knew it I was unable to even sit up, it hurt to laugh and I could barely find the energy to have a conversation. I was just a shell of a human watching life pass by. After a long weekend away I had completely exhausted myself. I woke up and knew I needed help. For so many months I had been living in this little word, convincing myself that it was okay to use food in this way, to starve myself to the point where I can't even
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What is recovery?

So I haven't written in a little while and I want to get back into posting regularly! So here it goes, a little update on things so far. I don't think there's much point presenting everything has been perfect because it hasn't. That's just life though, things do go up and down and I think it's just about accepting that that's it's okay. We're allowed to feel sad and to struggle a little more. That's the thing with recovery it's not linear, it goes up and down and all over the place! After spending 3 and a half years being told what to do and When to do it was a big adjustment when I got home with all the freedom that it includes. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love being at home but it's just so different from the structure and rules of an inpatient ward. So when I left the eating disorder unit food started to become a bit of a struggle. I was just unsure about what to eat and when to eat it. I wanted to prove to everyone I was bett
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A little trip to London

So today I achieved something pretty massive for me. I traveled up to London on my own for the first time, something I never even imagined I would be able to do. Over the passed few months my confidence has grown so much. There was a time I felt so anxious I couldn't even step outside, I couldn't talk to new people especially when it came to asking for things or even make decisions. After spending months behind closed doors every time I stepped outside it felt like my head was spinning. Trying to make sense of all the loud sounds, all the smells and making sure I knew where all the people were. I hated people coming close to me, loud sudden noises and massive open spaces scared me. It was all so overwhelming for quite a long time but slowly I built my confidence back up. Now I'm loving the independence and freedom. I still find it hard at times, like in big crowds or when people get so close to me I feel trapped but to be honest that isn't enjoyable for anyone is it? D
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Suicide prevention day

It's world suicide prevention day, a day that Is really important to me. I haven't posted in a little while mainly because it's been a tricky few months. However Things are getting better and I thought today would be a good day to start posting again.  In the past few years I've struggled to see the point of being alive. I was so consumed by sadness that all I could do was imagine what it would be like to disappear, close my eyes and for everything to be over. I took every opportunity I could and it was all I thought about. During this time I was kept safe inside 4 walls of a hospital until I managed to see that there was a way out, the good days outweighed the bad ones and I started seeing the point of being alive. I started to laugh more, to look forward to things and to feel some kind of happiness. I started to think less and less about suicide and more about the reasons to be alive. The thoughts started to fade and with all the support I received, I chose life.
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