However that didn't quite go to plan, before I know it I'd fallen back into bad habits and my weight was just going down and down and down. It became an addiction again. I spend my entire life worrying about food or worrying about the food I'd eaten. It was relentless and exhausting but I couldn't stop. The appeal of loosing weight ufor me isnt about the way I look, it's about how it effects the way I feel. Being starved numbs everything, it's hard to think clearly and that felt good to me. It quickly spiralled out of control and before I knew it I was unable to even sit up, it hurt to laugh and I could barely find the energy to have a conversation. I was just a shell of a human watching life pass by. After a long weekend away I had completely exhausted myself. I woke up and knew I needed help. For so many months I had been living in this little word, convincing myself that it was okay to use food in this way, to starve myself to the point where I can't even stand. All I had achieved was this disconnection and numbness of my feelings, although deep down I knew this wasn't the answer. So I woke up the next morning and decided that enough was enough and I had to start fighting again. It was the hardest thing to decide to allow myself the food again but with the support of my amazing family I managed it. Now three months on I'm almost weight restored and yes those feeling are coming back and it's really really hard sometimes but I'm learning to manage them in the right way. Finding things that work for me and being kind to myself. It's really hard but I'm not going to give up, I never want to be back in that hospital bed with a body that's giving up on me too, knowing I only had myself to blame. I thought I was invincible.. but I'm not. I now have so many things to look forward to and I know I need energy to be able to enjoy them. Food = fuel and that's the way I try to view it. I need enough energy to be able to get the enjoyment out of things. When things got bad I started a little diary. I would tally how many times in a day I wanted to give up and every times something made me smile and guess what?! Every single day i had tallied far more in the positive side than the negative. Even when I feel like giving up there will always be reasons to live. No matter how small they are. Recovery is not easy but it is worth it. I promise.
All my love
Pops
xxx
Describing what it’s like to live with PTSD and depression can sometimes be hard. If you haven’t experienced it, imagine a weight constantly pulling you down. Some days you have the strength to fight it, get on with life. Other days It debilitating and you just don’t have the energy to. Being depressed is obviously not something anyone chooses and can’t alway be easily solved. In reality someone can be completely consumed by mental illness but it can’t always be seen. There is no ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to treatment either. Everyone is so different. I have been receiving treatment since I was 14 (I’m now 20) that has included countless medications, therapy’s and hospital admissions . Over the years i’ve Learnt a great deal about myself and come across some amazing people. I’ve learnt how to talk, how to trust, how to smile and what it’s like to live again after years of just surviving. September last year I suffered quite a big relapse. I’d shut down, pushed everyone away and
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