Recently over the weekends I've been catching up with some of my friends. They have stuck by me throughout all of this.Even when I was at my worst just a letter or a txt meant so much to me, it was amazing knowing they we're always there. Catching up with them and hearing all their stories really opened my eyes. I've become so used to hospital life with all its rules and routines, it's hard for me to imaging what these three years would have looked like. I guess I will never know, now I'm just determined to make up for all that lost time.
It's pretty scary how quickly I got used to the ways of the wards, the good and the bad! As you can imagine 12 unwell teenagers living in the same space 24/7 could be pretty eventful. I think the thing that worries me the most is how numb you become to screaming, shouting, restraints and just people in a lot of distress. It happened lots so you saw some pretty awfull things. Patients being dragged across the floor kicking and screaming or having to watch someone repetitively trying to hurt the themselves being pinned down by 5 or 6 nurses. Alarms constantly going off they were so loud and went on for so long that we started having to hide in the kitchen to try and get away from the noise. It soon became 'normal' seeing this day in day out and didn't surprise me anymore.
While all of this was going on we still had to follow a timetable of some sort. Which mostly contained school, therapy and groups. The eating disorder unit took structured day to a whole new level. Every meal was timed to the last second. When they said 20 minutes, they meant it. If your meal was unfinished which included scraping every tiny little bit the meal was taken away and replaced by a meal supliment (sort of like a gross tasting milkshake).The way you ate your food was also picked up on, you were not allowed to cut the food into small pieces, no smearing the food around the plate and you had to put a full amount on your spoon or fork. After completing the meal in the dinning room you then had to stay sat down in the lounge for half an hour. We spent most of our time in the dinning room to be honest. We had 3 meals 3 snacks all carefully 'prescribed' by the dietitian. No choice for meals, what you were given is what you ate whether you liked it or not. They really took our diets seriously, I remember several times having to beg for an extra 200mls of the water. Well it made getting leave a luxury. Having that little bit of control over what you ate and when you ate it. I know the reasons behind the boundaries they put in place but at times they felt ridiculous.
Recently I just met with a friend from wisteria which we have both left now. We went for lunch and then a long dog walk. It was so lovely doing such a Normal thing. As much as we tried to have fun and do nice things on the ward it's just never quite the same.
I know over time I will leave all these things far behind and discover what a life outside of hospital looks like.
All my love
Pops x
It's pretty scary how quickly I got used to the ways of the wards, the good and the bad! As you can imagine 12 unwell teenagers living in the same space 24/7 could be pretty eventful. I think the thing that worries me the most is how numb you become to screaming, shouting, restraints and just people in a lot of distress. It happened lots so you saw some pretty awfull things. Patients being dragged across the floor kicking and screaming or having to watch someone repetitively trying to hurt the themselves being pinned down by 5 or 6 nurses. Alarms constantly going off they were so loud and went on for so long that we started having to hide in the kitchen to try and get away from the noise. It soon became 'normal' seeing this day in day out and didn't surprise me anymore.
While all of this was going on we still had to follow a timetable of some sort. Which mostly contained school, therapy and groups. The eating disorder unit took structured day to a whole new level. Every meal was timed to the last second. When they said 20 minutes, they meant it. If your meal was unfinished which included scraping every tiny little bit the meal was taken away and replaced by a meal supliment (sort of like a gross tasting milkshake).The way you ate your food was also picked up on, you were not allowed to cut the food into small pieces, no smearing the food around the plate and you had to put a full amount on your spoon or fork. After completing the meal in the dinning room you then had to stay sat down in the lounge for half an hour. We spent most of our time in the dinning room to be honest. We had 3 meals 3 snacks all carefully 'prescribed' by the dietitian. No choice for meals, what you were given is what you ate whether you liked it or not. They really took our diets seriously, I remember several times having to beg for an extra 200mls of the water. Well it made getting leave a luxury. Having that little bit of control over what you ate and when you ate it. I know the reasons behind the boundaries they put in place but at times they felt ridiculous.
Recently I just met with a friend from wisteria which we have both left now. We went for lunch and then a long dog walk. It was so lovely doing such a Normal thing. As much as we tried to have fun and do nice things on the ward it's just never quite the same.
I know over time I will leave all these things far behind and discover what a life outside of hospital looks like.
All my love
Pops x
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