Pops in pursuit of happiness

So today i am finally going home. Its the day i have been looking forward to for months and months. I was allowed home for three hours on my birthday but i had two psychiatric nurses with me. It was very strange and that was the weirdest birthday party i think i will ever have! Walking through the front door was an amazing feeling, i was greeted by my very excited dog Tilly. I've spent a large amount of time just going through all my things from hospital. All my lovely little notes, cards and presents. I never knew how much stuff i managed to collect. It brought back lots of memories good and bad. Most of all it just made me see how ready i am to move on with my life. So its now all neatly put away in boxes that i can look through in the future if i want to. I am finding it quite strange as i have never actually lived in this house, I've never slept in this bed or spent time in my room, so its all really new. I feel a little silly having to constantly ask where things are ...

Yesterday I left Wisteria ward, then drove 2 and a half hours down to Somerset. I am now at a adult ward where I will finish off my treatment and finally get discharged from. I was so scared when I found out I was coming here but it's actually okay. Although I'm 18 I really don't feel like I am. Growing up in camhs wards has been hard, I feel like my life went on pause at 14 and I haven't grown up yet. That's the problem with the mental health services, turning 18 means so much when it's just a number. I will write about that another time. People keep asking me what the main difference between camhs and adults is, I think it's has to be the amount of freedom. Camhs wards are very structured and boundried. Here I have a lot more say about what I want to do. It's nice not having a set plan, I can fill my time with things I actually want to do! I also have a lot more say about my treatment and what I want for the future. Although all this is a little sc...

I have been going out a lot recently and really enjoying myself. I feel so free and it's amazing to escape the drama of being on the ward. It's crazy to think back to 6 months ago when I couldn't stay outside for more than a few minutes. The noise and being out in the open scared me so much, going out was a massive challenge for me! Now I love exploring, It's been amazing seeing the sights of London and doing a bit of shopping. I've pushed myself to do all sorts recently! I've tackled the tube and even a bus over the past few weeks. All my love Pops x A beautiful evening going to the aquarium to see my favourite thing..turtles🐢

On Monday 12th October 2015 i walked into Wisteria, a ward that specialises in eating disorders. My eating had very quickly deteriorated over a few months, it was like an addiction, once i started i couldn't stop. It numbed my feelings and thoughts in a way no medication could. Watching the numbers on the scales going down felt like the only thing getting me through the weeks. I ended up with not even enough energy to get out of bed. I couldn't understand why everyone was so worried, eventually i was fed through a NG (nasal gastric) tube. It took me months to allow myself to get back to eating. I started slowly, mostly with soft foods like mash potato or yogurt. It was hard having all the feelings and emotions came back to the surface as i gained the weight and for a while things got so much worse. However i had no choice but to stick with it and it really did get better. The support i got from the staff was incredible. Even in the worst parts they never gave up on me. Wh...

I thought i would write a bit about my experience on inpatient wards... So i've been inpatient in CAMHS wards for over 3 years now. Each ward has been very different and they've all had their positives and negatives. The day of my first admission i had no idea what to expect. In my head i had pictured so many things but what i walked into was nothing like i had imagined. When i arrived i was taken into a little room and my bags were quickly taken off me. After all the questions and paperwork i was shown my huge bedroom with none of my stuff in it. I was left in my bare bedroom after i was asked to change into a short sleeved top and to remove my socks and bra. It was a massive shock to be thrown into this environment so far away from the comforts of home. It was like another world, having to ask to change your clothes, brush your teeth and go to the toilet. The closest thing i had to going outside was putting my hand out of a slightly open window. The ward was noisy and sc...

Looking back i was about 12 when i first started to notice something wasn't quite right. It wasn't everyday but i started to have a lack of motivation, a lack of motivation to go to school, to eat, to talk to people and sometimes even getting out of bed. Slowly over 2 years i went up and down but once i hit 14 things only got worse. I didn't understand why but just functioning like i used to wasn't even possible. I would rock up to school and make my way around somehow but once i got home i could barely remember a single thing i'd done.I was somehow getting myself through exams. sports matches and some kind of social life. Within a few weeks i was dragged to the GP and refereed to CAMHS. I remember sitting in my first appointment in front of a scary lady asking 101 questions. This is where i first learnt about inpatient hospitals although i think at that point i had gone to far past the point of caring to be scared. About a month later i was starting the 4 hour ...

Well i'm Poppy, i'm 18 and  i've been struggling with mental health problems for quite a few years now. So i thought i would start this blog to tell my story as i thought it might be helpful for anyone going through something similar or has friends or family struggling too. I often see 'recovery' Instagram and Tumblr accounts that simply aren't about recovery at all. I promise this blog will be positive and i hope to be able to show recovery really is possible if you want it enough. All my love   pops x