Describing what it’s like to live with PTSD and depression can sometimes be hard. If you haven’t experienced it, imagine a weight constantly pulling you down. Some days you have the strength to fight it, get on with life. Other days It debilitating and you just don’t have the energy to. Being depressed is obviously not something anyone chooses and can’t alway be easily solved. In reality someone can be completely consumed by mental illness but it can’t always be seen. There is no ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to treatment either. Everyone is so different. I have been receiving treatment since I was 14 (I’m now 20) that has included countless medications, therapy’s and hospital admissions . Over the years i’ve Learnt a great deal about myself and come across some amazing people. I’ve learnt how to talk, how to trust, how to smile and what it’s like to live again after years of just surviving. September last year I suffered quite a big relapse. I’d shut down, pushed everyone away and gave up fighting. 4 days later I woke up in intensive care after being in a coma. One of the scariest moments of my life. Once physically recovered I was moved to an adult psychiatric hospital prepared to give life another go. My brain however had other ideas. My PTSD took over my tired body.every day felt the same, i’d Open my eyes, take a deep breath and wonder what life was going to throw at me that day. I felt unsafe in my own mind, in fact I felt trapped there. Waiting for the next time i’d Be a mess on the floor wishing for the horrible memories to stop. It was a scary place to be. After a few months, brilliant support and some new medication I started to feel like I was getting the old me back. The bad days got less and my mind started to think of the future not the past. Recovery is a rollercoaster of things, maybe one day i’ll Be completely free, however for now I appreciate every little good thing no matter how small. I continue the fight with a smile on my face and just take each day as it Comes. I’m no longer just surviving, I’m lucky to have be alive and to have been given another chance.obviously it’s not my time yet. There are many more amazing things I want to do, so bring it on.
It's world suicide prevention day, a day that Is really important to me. I haven't posted in a little while mainly because it's been a tricky few months. However Things are getting better and I thought today would be a good day to start posting again. In the past few years I've struggled to see the point of being alive. I was so consumed by sadness that all I could do was imagine what it would be like to disappear, close my eyes and for everything to be over. I took every opportunity I could and it was all I thought about. During this time I was kept safe inside 4 walls of a hospital until I managed to see that there was a way out, the good days outweighed the bad ones and I started seeing the point of being alive. I started to laugh more, to look forward to things and to feel some kind of happiness. I started to think less and less about suicide and more about the reasons to be alive. The thoughts started to fade and with all the support I received, I chose life....
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