Skip to main content

What is recovery? (Part 2)

However that didn't quite go to plan, before I know it I'd fallen back into bad habits and my weight was just going down and down and down. It became an addiction again. I spend my entire life worrying about food or worrying about the food I'd eaten. It was relentless and exhausting but I couldn't stop. The appeal of loosing weight ufor me isnt about the way I look, it's about how it effects the way I feel. Being starved numbs everything, it's hard to think clearly and that felt good to me. It quickly spiralled out of control and before I knew it I was unable to even sit up, it hurt to laugh and I could barely find the energy to have a conversation. I was just a shell of a human watching life pass by. After a long weekend away I had completely exhausted myself. I woke up and knew I needed help. For so many months I had been living in this little word, convincing myself that it was okay to use food in this way, to starve myself to the point where I can't even stand. All I had achieved was this disconnection and numbness of my feelings, although deep down I knew this wasn't the answer. So I woke up the next morning and decided that enough was enough and I had to start fighting again. It was the hardest thing to decide to allow myself the food again but with the support of my amazing family I managed it. Now three months on I'm almost weight restored and yes those feeling are coming back and it's really really hard sometimes but I'm learning to manage them in the right way. Finding things that work for me and being kind to myself. It's really hard but I'm not going to give up, I never want to be back in that hospital bed with a body that's giving up on me too, knowing I only had myself to blame. I thought I was invincible.. but I'm not. I now have so many things to look forward to and I know I need energy to be able to enjoy them. Food = fuel and that's the way I try to view it. I need enough energy to be able to get the enjoyment out of things. When things got bad I started a little diary. I would tally how many times in a day I wanted to give up and every times something made me smile and guess what?! Every single day i had tallied far more in the positive side than the negative. Even when I feel like giving up there will always be reasons to live. No matter how small they are. Recovery is not easy but it is worth it. I promise. All my love Pops xxx

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Going exploring

I have been going out a lot recently and really enjoying myself. I feel so free and it's amazing to escape the drama of being on the ward. It's crazy to think back to 6 months ago when I couldn't stay outside for more than a few minutes. The noise and being out in the open scared me so much, going out was a massive challenge for me! Now I love exploring, It's been amazing seeing the sights of London and doing a bit of shopping. I've pushed myself to do all sorts recently! I've tackled the tube and even a bus over the past few weeks. All my love Pops x A beautiful evening going to the aquarium to see my favourite thing..turtles🐢
Post a Comment
Read more

My story so far...

Looking back i was about 12 when i first started to notice something wasn't quite right. It wasn't everyday but i started to have a lack of motivation, a lack of motivation to go to school, to eat, to talk to people and sometimes even getting out of bed. Slowly over 2 years i went up and down but once i hit 14 things only got worse. I didn't understand why but just functioning like i used to wasn't even possible. I would rock up to school and make my way around somehow but once i got home i could barely remember a single thing i'd done.I was somehow getting myself through exams. sports matches and some kind of social life. Within a few weeks i was dragged to the GP and refereed to CAMHS. I remember sitting in my first appointment in front of a scary lady asking 101 questions. This is where i first learnt about inpatient hospitals although i think at that point i had gone to far past the point of caring to be scared. About a month later i was starting the 4 hour ...
Post a Comment
Read more

A little trip to London

So today I achieved something pretty massive for me. I traveled up to London on my own for the first time, something I never even imagined I would be able to do. Over the passed few months my confidence has grown so much. There was a time I felt so anxious I couldn't even step outside, I couldn't talk to new people especially when it came to asking for things or even make decisions. After spending months behind closed doors every time I stepped outside it felt like my head was spinning. Trying to make sense of all the loud sounds, all the smells and making sure I knew where all the people were. I hated people coming close to me, loud sudden noises and massive open spaces scared me. It was all so overwhelming for quite a long time but slowly I built my confidence back up. Now I'm loving the independence and freedom. I still find it hard at times, like in big crowds or when people get so close to me I feel trapped but to be honest that isn't enjoyable for anyone is it? D...
Post a Comment
Read more