Pops in pursuit of happiness

So it's been my first week of freedom, I've been keeping myself very busy and doing lots of wonderful things. It's been even better with all the sunshine. I guess I've been reflecting a lot on my time in hospital. I think finally accepting all the things that have happened is an inportant part of moving on. To be honest I am finding it quite hard letting go of how bad things really were. Even though there has been so much focus on fighting the stigma relating to mental health problems and raising awareness the things that happen behind the closed doors of inpatient units still never quite make the news. Inpatient services have their uses but long complicated admissions like mine can actually be quite damaging physically and mentally. Being admitted to a hospital or being kept in hospital against your will is mostly used when someone is not able to keep themselves safe outside a hospital environment. For a year and a half I was put on a section 3 which enables them t...

I am very proud to say that after 1127 days I've finally been discharged from inpatient services. After my section 3 was removed I spent a long weekend at home. I was really dreading spending 2 nights back at St. Andrews. However when I was told half way through Wednesday that I would be discharged the following day the 24 hours couldn't go fast enough. I could hardly sleep that night I was so excited. I practically ran out the door when it hit 2 o'clock the next day with a huge smile on my face. I have a wonderful support team that visit me at home but to be honest I'm actually doing pretty well on my own. I'm so greatful to have this chance to finally be free of inpatient services. Life is becoming everything I wanted it to be. I just want to say that recovery is so so so worth it. It may be slow, it may be up and down and it may feel totally impossible at times but I promise you, hold on. I first noticed things changing by the little things...lying In bed at ...

Recently over the weekends I've been catching up with some of my friends. They have stuck by me throughout all of this.Even when I was at my worst just a letter or a txt meant so much to me, it was amazing knowing they we're always there. Catching up with them and hearing all their stories really opened my eyes. I've become so used to hospital life with all its rules and routines, it's hard for me to imaging what these three years would have looked like. I guess I will never know, now I'm just determined to make up for all that lost time. It's pretty scary how quickly I got used to the ways of the wards, the good and the bad! As you can imagine 12  unwell teenagers living in the same space 24/7 could be pretty eventful. I think the thing that worries me the most is how numb you become to screaming, shouting, restraints and just people in a lot of distress. It happened lots so you saw some pretty awfull things. Patients being dragged across the floor kicking an...

At the beginning of admissions you are given a 'welcome pack' a little booklet with information about the treatment and general rules of the ward. I've always found these things ridiculous. They somehow manage to make the places sound like holiday resorts! So I though I would write a little bit about what It can actually be like on an inpatient ward. Don't get me wrong they are great places, they save lives and they have certainly helped me a lot. However they aren't always the calm and therputic places they say on paper or like they may be potrayed in movies. They can be loud, scary and some times completely out of control. There have even been occasions police have been called! One ward basically had 2 average sized rooms for 12 patients to spend the entire day in, we were only allowed in our bedrooms after 10pm. This often ended up in some awful nights. It was like a domino effect, there was no space to help patients calm down quietly So quickly the whole war...

So today i am finally going home. Its the day i have been looking forward to for months and months. I was allowed home for three hours on my birthday but i had two psychiatric nurses with me. It was very strange and that was the weirdest birthday party i think i will ever have! Walking through the front door was an amazing feeling, i was greeted by my very excited dog Tilly. I've spent a large amount of time just going through all my things from hospital. All my lovely little notes, cards and presents. I never knew how much stuff i managed to collect. It brought back lots of memories good and bad. Most of all it just made me see how ready i am to move on with my life. So its now all neatly put away in boxes that i can look through in the future if i want to. I am finding it quite strange as i have never actually lived in this house, I've never slept in this bed or spent time in my room, so its all really new. I feel a little silly having to constantly ask where things are ...

Yesterday I left Wisteria ward, then drove 2 and a half hours down to Somerset. I am now at a adult ward where I will finish off my treatment and finally get discharged from. I was so scared when I found out I was coming here but it's actually okay. Although I'm 18 I really don't feel like I am. Growing up in camhs wards has been hard, I feel like my life went on pause at 14 and I haven't grown up yet. That's the problem with the mental health services, turning 18 means so much when it's just a number. I will write about that another time. People keep asking me what the main difference between camhs and adults is, I think it's has to be the amount of freedom. Camhs wards are very structured and boundried. Here I have a lot more say about what I want to do. It's nice not having a set plan, I can fill my time with things I actually want to do! I also have a lot more say about my treatment and what I want for the future. Although all this is a little sc...

I have been going out a lot recently and really enjoying myself. I feel so free and it's amazing to escape the drama of being on the ward. It's crazy to think back to 6 months ago when I couldn't stay outside for more than a few minutes. The noise and being out in the open scared me so much, going out was a massive challenge for me! Now I love exploring, It's been amazing seeing the sights of London and doing a bit of shopping. I've pushed myself to do all sorts recently! I've tackled the tube and even a bus over the past few weeks. All my love Pops x A beautiful evening going to the aquarium to see my favourite thing..turtles🐢